Another Thing jack Should Not Be Allowed to Do
by WinterDance
Summary: Save the world? Call Jack Harkness! Aliens giving you trouble? The Captain is the man! Surprise parties? Maybe not... Crack, a little late because the idea just struck me. (They do really make those kits).


**Yes, I know it's late but the idea struck me and if I leave it until next year I'll forget all about it.**

It was almost over.

Another 318 minutes and he could breathe.

He had expected Jack to forget. He never for a moment thought Owen would have a clue. As far as Gwen went he had no worries there because she thought him to be a piece of furniture and furniture didn't have them.

Tosh had been the one that worried him.

Rhiannon had phoned - twice - and he had told her that there was no possible way he could get together with her.

Only 314 more minutes to go.

When the Rift alarm went off he nearly cheered.

-TW-

It turned out to be a false alarm so when Jack suggested calling the rest and sending them home while they stopped for dinner Ianto never saw it coming. He eagerly agreed, completely relaxing now that the day was more or less done and he had made it without a single mishap.

He thought that right until they walked into the small, private room and everyone jumped out and screamed "Surprise!"

It was a good thing Jack had made him leave his gun in the SUV, he might have been short a teammate or two and possibly a sister. Or at least a brother-in-law.

With no way out of it Ianto plastered a smile on his face, pretended to be moved, accepted a bunch of sloppy, lipstick stained kisses and a few manly hugs complete with slaps on his back that would most likely leave bruises, kissed and thanked his wonderful, considerate boyfriend and set a corner of his mind off to plot retribution.

Dinner was lovely though, and even the kids ate without complaint.

The gifts were fun, luckily Jack said his were a surprise to be opened later.

The cake was a three tiered monstrosity of gloopy icing that leaned dangerously to the left but Jack (who had apparently baked it) was so proud of it that Ianto gave him a full on do not stop until you are about to pass out kiss that had Rhiannon covering Mica's eyes.

All in all it was pretty brilliant.

Ianto noticed a small, silver device with a button and a small dial on the table next to his plate that was placed there in tandem with the arrival of the cake but in the kissing, the singing and the candle-blowing he forgot about it. It was when he was waiting for them to bring him a knife to cut the cake that he picked it up to study it. Unsure what it was, he nudged Jack. "What is this?"

Jack's grin made his eyebrows shoot up. "Part of your gift, Ianto Jones. By the way, cut round the edges of the cake and leave the middle for us to take home."

"Jack, you are not taking that cake to bed with us. I will never get the icing out of the sheets." Shaking his hand in Jack's direction, Ianto didn't realize he'd pushed the button.

The cake started to hum and vibrate.

Ianto stared at it.

Jack yelped and grabbed for the device. Instead of a clean grab, he managed to spin the dial.

The humming grew louder and the cake started to shake apart.

Everyone stood, backing away, unable to tear their eyes off the slowly crumbling layers.

Jack inched backwards.

Ianto saw him and grabbed his arm, knowing that whatever was happening was somehow Jack's fault.

The humming got louder as more of the cake fell.

Suddenly, it clicked in Ianto's mind and he let out a desperate squeak and dove for the cake...

...just as the top layer - which was centered in the middle - fell completely apart to reveal the head and half the shaft of a very lifelike large loudly vibrating penis.

Before anyone could move, the middle layer went, and there was the rest of the shaft and the impressively sized balls to match.

Rhiannon covered Mica's eyes, her own wide. David groaned and put his hands over his own, Johnny mumbled something and walked away.

Rhys downed his pint, filled it from the pitcher and down it again. Gwen stared and wondered if it represented Jack or Ianto.

Tosh continued filming it all.

Owen swore and left.

Ianto, mortified and bright red, snatched the now free and happily bouncing member off the cake and tried to wrap it in a napkin.

Jack bolted.

He didn't get far because Ianto tripped him.

-TW-

The next day no one said a word.

Even Owen, who had been warned by Tosh that Jack had slept in the SUV so obviously Ianto was not having it.

The three watched the steady arrival of flowers, chocolates and gifts to the Tourist Office.

Ianto ignored them all.

All three practically killed one another getting out the door when Jack said they could leave.

Only after they were gone did Ianto appear, walking first to the kitchen and then to Jack's office. Setting a cup of coffee on the desk, he leaned against the edge beside Jack's chair. "Why?"

"I thought it would be fun?"

"You're a twpsyn."

"Yes, yes, I am." Jack took a careful sip of the coffee and smiled. "Thank you. You know I didn't mean it to happen that way right?"

Ianto laughed and shook his head. "I know. You do realize now Gwen is wondering if that was yours or mine, don't you?"

"Should we tell her where to get the kit to cast one?"

Ianto shrugged. "We could, but if we do are you going to be able to refrain from making a scene if she brings cupcakes in again from Rhys' birthday?"

"Probably not."

Ianto sighed and got up. "Come on, let's go home. We still haven't tried out the cause of my humiliation yet."

Jack jumped to his feet, coffee forgotten. "Does it still have cake on it?"

"Yep," Ianto said, holding the Captainss coat for him, "unless you cleaned it off. And by the way, if you ever have another birthday party for me I will kill you. Repeatedly."

Laughing, Jack slips his arms round Ianto's waist. "Well at least you'll have part of me to play with until I come back."

Ianto just rolled his eyes.


End file.
